So it begins....After a while of contemplating about having a journal for my thoughts and events in my life, I've decided to make one -- a public journal that is open for anyone to read. Why am I doing this? I'm not actually sure. It could be because I'm a little frustrated in life and want to throw-up my thoughts somewhere or maybe I'm just a little tired from basketball, or maybe I.am.a little crazy or maybe I want to re-read my thoughts 10years from now. Well whatever the reason may be, this is 'The Starting Point'.
You see lately I've been on a journey. I'm trying to reach to a place where I can be care free of myself and being truly helpful those who surround me. I've been thinking from time to time, and from my interactions with people, from my day to day activity, I realized that I cannot interact comfortably with others. I cannot become 'close' with others. I cannot develop relationship with others. I cannot truly make mines and their life better until I come to a state such that I can carefree with myself and the world. A state where I accept everything about myself. But that is the scary part. More I think about it the more I begin to believe that I might never reach that path to enlightenment. That I might never see myself as a worry free and completely stable person. Which begs the question, then why do I keep pursing this state of mind? Why do I want to put myself through all of that? As of right now I don't think I have any other choice. I can keep being depressed, but I don't want to take that path. I am constantly trying to better myself, and increase the amount of dopamine my brain experiences through various activities, interactions, and other happy things that increase the level of happiness I feel. So although the journey seems to be a long one, what else am I gonna do? Sit here and feel bad for myself? Yea sure that might be the easy way out, and sometimes I do take that path, but everyday I try to avoid taking that path, in hopes that one day all path I can take leads to enlightenment, a carefree, no worries, lovable , enjoyable, raw happiness state. Until then, the struggle continues.
Lately, I've been feeling average. I feel like I am nothing important. That everything I do is just average. That who I am is just average. Average look. Average weight. Average motivation. Average body. Average skill. Average communication skill. Average ever fucking thing. I am just sick of this shit. I do not know why I view myself as this. I put hard work in gym to have above average shape, yet I am still average. I put hard work in basketball to be better than the next, yet I feel as I am still average. I feel as I am in a drought, and I need to get out soon. This fluctuation of feelings needs to be done with. I am tired of constantly feeling sorry for myself. I am tried of constantly worrying about my self image. I am so tired of life. Something needs to drastically change, else I will never move on past this hurdle that I am facing. The scary thing is that this bump I am facing I know deep inside, is stemmed from a broken building base of inner emotions and life. Until I am ready to face that deep dark problem, all these little hurdle will keep popping up and slow me down. Man I feel like a piece of shit.
Man this is going to hurt her. She is madly in love with me. Yet I have no emotions towards her. Its not her fault you see. Its actually mine. I still haven't accepted myself as I am, which renders me in my opinion, incapable of truly loving someone. You see my feelings of loving someone doesn't seem to exist. I think it stems from my past experience -- that everyone eventually leaves. Not only girls, but friends and family as well. I see it all the time in my life. Get close and develop some sort of relationship with someone, then it slowly fades away. Its like they got what they wanted from you and you aren't really that much use to them afterwards. So although you interact with them once a while, its never the same again. Its like we've become strangers that know each other. Its sad really. I feel like this realization is slowly tearing me apart inside me, but its still small now and still has a chance to be vanquished. Its like my whole life is a story about a robot with emotions. Although I can feel certain emotions, other robots in my life are just that, robots. They are there to serve some sort of purpose to the world. They are a asset to someone who can utilize their skill and discard them when completed. They are just a tool to live in this world. In case I don't realize this reading later on, in the above statements, robots are the people in my reality. I Will have to possibly think more about that later. Oh man got work early tmrw, gotta get some sleep now.