So it begins....After a while of contemplating about having a journal for my thoughts and events in my life, I've decided to make one -- a public journal that is open for anyone to read. Why am I doing this? I'm not actually sure. It could be because I'm a little frustrated in life and want to throw-up my thoughts somewhere or maybe I'm just a little tired from basketball, or maybe I.am.a little crazy or maybe I want to re-read my thoughts 10years from now. Well whatever the reason may be, this is 'The Starting Point'.
You see lately I've been on a journey. I'm trying to reach to a place where I can be care free of myself and being truly helpful those who surround me. I've been thinking from time to time, and from my interactions with people, from my day to day activity, I realized that I cannot interact comfortably with others. I cannot become 'close' with others. I cannot develop relationship with others. I cannot truly make mines and their life better until I come to a state such that I can carefree with myself and the world. A state where I accept everything about myself. But that is the scary part. More I think about it the more I begin to believe that I might never reach that path to enlightenment. That I might never see myself as a worry free and completely stable person. Which begs the question, then why do I keep pursing this state of mind? Why do I want to put myself through all of that? As of right now I don't think I have any other choice. I can keep being depressed, but I don't want to take that path. I am constantly trying to better myself, and increase the amount of dopamine my brain experiences through various activities, interactions, and other happy things that increase the level of happiness I feel. So although the journey seems to be a long one, what else am I gonna do? Sit here and feel bad for myself? Yea sure that might be the easy way out, and sometimes I do take that path, but everyday I try to avoid taking that path, in hopes that one day all path I can take leads to enlightenment, a carefree, no worries, lovable , enjoyable, raw happiness state. Until then, the struggle continues.
Lately, I've been feeling average. I feel like I am nothing important. That everything I do is just average. That who I am is just average. Average look. Average weight. Average motivation. Average body. Average skill. Average communication skill. Average ever fucking thing. I am just sick of this shit. I do not know why I view myself as this. I put hard work in gym to have above average shape, yet I am still average. I put hard work in basketball to be better than the next, yet I feel as I am still average. I feel as I am in a drought, and I need to get out soon. This fluctuation of feelings needs to be done with. I am tired of constantly feeling sorry for myself. I am tried of constantly worrying about my self image. I am so tired of life. Something needs to drastically change, else I will never move on past this hurdle that I am facing. The scary thing is that this bump I am facing I know deep inside, is stemmed from a broken building base of inner emotions and life. Until I am ready to face that deep dark problem, all these little hurdle will keep popping up and slow me down. Man I feel like a piece of shit.
I am drunk. But I'm a adult. Its been two years, since I've updated this. Boy that's kinda a long time. I still have the same job. I'm still living with my family. I still have very similar routine. Two Freaking Years. Not much has changed. Am I mad at myself? Maybe a little. Am I disappointed? No. You see, I've grown quite a lot. The last time I posted was two years ago. At that time I was so depressed, but no one knew it. Except for you reading this. Now I'm not as depressed. I've actually grown quite a lot. I've become more funnier. More fun to hangout with. More social( at times ). More good looking( ok that was a joke). But more importantly, I've become more aware. I became more aware of life and everything. You see, I realized few things about myself. I'm all talk. I say one thing but never do it. My mom said to me today, "You are a very good person, but you have bad habits". Sure she meant it in a different context, but little does she know( in my view ), that she actually hit the nail on the wall. You see, I've been trying to move out of family house for a while. When I say a while, its been 5 months. Why is it taking so long for me to move out. Few reasons, standards, being picky, and a little bit of scaredness. I'm afraid to pull the trigger. And I'm not sure why. That's another story. Hi aayushmua. But once it happens, everything will change, I know it will. At least that's what I tell myself. We'll see. I'm not sure where this is going anymore, I'm just blurting out random things in my mind. Ladies and gentalmen, I am a little bit tipsy. Seems to be the theme of my blogs, but that's another story. So I took a break from writing for a few minutes right now, went to get some pizza, and a drank a little, and talking this kush right now. So I'm gonna call it a night right now, for this blog. But no doubt, I'll be back( terminator voice). MrNutty, out.
Man this is going to hurt her. She is madly in love with me. Yet I have no emotions towards her. Its not her fault you see. Its actually mine. I still haven't accepted myself as I am, which renders me in my opinion, incapable of truly loving someone. You see my feelings of loving someone doesn't seem to exist. I think it stems from my past experience -- that everyone eventually leaves. Not only girls, but friends and family as well. I see it all the time in my life. Get close and develop some sort of relationship with someone, then it slowly fades away. Its like they got what they wanted from you and you aren't really that much use to them afterwards. So although you interact with them once a while, its never the same again. Its like we've become strangers that know each other. Its sad really. I feel like this realization is slowly tearing me apart inside me, but its still small now and still has a chance to be vanquished. Its like my whole life is a story about a robot with emotions. Although I can feel certain emotions, other robots in my life are just that, robots. They are there to serve some sort of purpose to the world. They are a asset to someone who can utilize their skill and discard them when completed. They are just a tool to live in this world. In case I don't realize this reading later on, in the above statements, robots are the people in my reality. I Will have to possibly think more about that later. Oh man got work early tmrw, gotta get some sleep now.
Hola. There is so much I want to talk about. Wait. Let me grab my friend Jack real quick. *Few minutes lates* Ok I'm back. I lied jack's hasn't visited lately, so I had to settle for moscato for today. She's cool too. Anyways, I have a lot in my mind. Some I want to share. But before we get into that, I was reminiscing about the past and found this little thing I call The Step Forward. I wrote that about *ohhh shit* 3 years ago. Oh how time flies. Anyways, before I leave my latest footprint, I want to share this.
The Step Forward
The path that I have taken in life seems to be the path that many follow. Although weird at first, this path seems to lead to the same end goal for each and every one of us, which is to find happiness, whatever that may be. Let?s call this path, The Step Forward. In this writing, I want to share you my personal journey I underwent while exploring The Step Forward.
Before exploring The Step Forward, I had to first come to the realization that the current path I am walking on now did not provide the satisfaction that I wanted and needed. Although, that thought may not be concrete in detail, it was an instinctual feeling that I had felt.The current path that I was walking on now, made me sad. It made me depressed. It made me nervous. It made me anxious. It made me feel alone. Now you might wonder why I took that path in the first place then. Well, the reason why I was in that path was because it was the only path I knew how to walk on. It was the only path I felt comfortable with. There was no disruption in that path.
Occasionally there would be few colorless objects I see come and go, but for the most case, it was a long and bland path. I would occasionally see other, more promising paths, but I would never have enough courage to jump onto that path. I would doubt my strength and abilities to make it in that new path. At that time I was scared of failing when trying to walk onto the new path. So I kept on walking the same old what seemed to be deserted and disappointing path, until one day I stumbled across something I haven't seen before.
It was a small and shiny key. It had some color to it. A little red, a little blue, some black, and a whole bunch of other colors. It was nothing like I've ever seen. Instinctively, it felt like it was a key to something very important. So I kept the key in my pockets, thought not much about it and kept walking. From time to time, I would stop to rest and take out the vibrant key and play with it, observing some new details about it every time.
After walking more and more, I realized that I began to see more colorful objects around me. Sometimes it was a toy, other times it was a cool rock, and on occasions, I found a few heart-shaped necklaces. As the days went by, I kept observing the vibrant yet mysterious key. I started to notice even more details about it. Details to which seemed like relied on my previous observations of the key. I put the key back, being tired of looking at it and kept walking.
As I started to walk, I noticed that suddenly, there seemed to be an abundance of colorful objects in my path. They seem to be popping out left and right. Each had their unique and really interesting feature about them. Each object seemed to provide me with a sense of happiness. I started playing with one object and noticed that it fits well with another object that I had recently interacted with. So I fitted those two objects and made a wonderful piece. I tried this with more and numerous objects. I eventually had groups of groups of objects that seemed to provide me use and comfort in some way. So I carried them along my path which once was an empty, now seemed to be filled with colorful objects. The more I walked and ventured into this path with my new found objects, the more and more colorful, bright and interesting things I started to find. As I kept with my journey, years felt like months, months felt like weeks, weeks felt like days, and days felt like minutes. I started to lose sense of time more and more by simply enjoying the things around me and the things I seen coming. After a while, I felt as if I couldn't walk anymore. All those long walks seemed to take a toll on my body. My body didn't seem to physically handle walking much more. It was then I had seen a colorful door blocking my path.
At first, I observed the door wondering and trying to rationalize why it was the way it was. Although I couldn't come to a concrete conclusion just yet, I had this inner feeling in my gut that I need to open it. Because of the colorful nature of the door, I instinctively thought the key I've found a while back looked like a perfect fit. So I calmly yet hesitantly, took out the key, and used it and opened the door.
As soon as I opened the door, I noticed that the trail had ended. The only thing visible on the other side of the door was bright blue and white light. Being curious, I took a step inside the opened door. As soon as I took my first step inside, I felt a sudden white flash. This flash, although lasted a second, made me realize everything about the path that I had been walking on. It made me realize that although the path seemed long, it was in fact, just a few steps. It made me realize that although it looked empty at first, I was always surrounded by colorful and live objects. I just couldn't see it during the first few steps. It made me realize that the other path that I had seen but were hesitant to jump onto, were really just a glimpse of my path in the future. More importantly, it made me realize that the path I had been taking was the path, The Step Forward all along.
Now here I lie, about to take my second step towards the light, only wondering what other realization that I will attain; what other knowledge will I be enlightened with. Welp, only one way to find out. Wish me good luck :)
Isn't that great? Please no autographs. Anyways, this is the future, and what other knowledge have I obtained? Well lets save that for the next post, which I'll write now. The current one is getting tad long. Nutty Out.
Hey guess what. I moved out! I know I know. Its the trouble I was facing in my life because of my tradition, but I finally overcame it, and now I'm a real adult, with my own address. Shit that's a little scary to say. Its been around 4 months since I moved out, but it seems like its been a bit longer. The move was difficult at first, especially the first few weeks when I was just sleeping in air bed with nothing else but food in the apt. But its cool now. You know what they say, "sometimes you're the chip, sometimes you're the dip". I have no idea what that means. Anyways, I realized few things lately. Being adult, has kilt my creativity. Being a Computer Engineer has literally made me a corporate robot. My life feels like its been mass molded into a model expected by the system. Hey, if you are what you eat. I grew up following the system, and now I'm still following the system.
However cryptic the above might have sounded, there's a hidden yearning for adventure there. Lately, because of this corporate routine, I've been feeling more like a robot. A smart robot, but still a robot. I've been yearning for adventure, that's why every chance I get, I try to create squeeze as much as possible. But there is a caveat to that statement, I try to squeeze only to the fruits I know. Meaning only with friends and people I want to hangout with. You see, there has been opportunities for me to go to events that I've been invited in, but me being a pussy, I don't go. Its partly stems from my low self-esteem.
Damn mascoto is pretty sweet. She's being kinda nice right now. But I gotta control bby. I need to stop with this jabba wabba. Anyway, Nutty Out.
No not G-Easy. But the title fits and so does the song, somewhat. In a world full of souls, somehow I feel like I'm the only one. I'm heading out for some fresh air, i'm getting distracted. Tttyl, Nutty Out.
You know when you want to do something and you know the steps you have to take but you just become lazy and dont take it, yea story of my life. But at least I'm aware of it, give me that right, ..., right? Ha yea thats prolly a universal problem, but I'm working on it babyboi. You know, I can't really complain, things aren't the best, at least not in my eyes, but things aren't bad. I recently got a tooth surgery, my face looks like shriek ha, lips like kylie jenner, and body like a dad. But I'm recovering now, getting back mentally and physically.
I think its the weather, it brightens me up, gives me hope and inspiration. Or maybe its just getting back to the gym finally after 2 weeks of training for my dad bod( which I realized I'm very good at). You know what, lets make a meta-todo right here right now. Lets gooo.
1) Read more book. In fact ready even 1 book. Please.
2) Workout and eat better more consistently
3) Become interesting by becoming more educated
4) Be more witty
5) Look at the little things in life how you use to when you were a peewee
6) Be momentcentric
7) Learn spanish, restart again stupido.
8) Be prepared when you can
9) Have higher standards.
10) Be more alive babyboi.
Great now thats done, I can go back to sleep. All joking aside, those task is something just came up with, but it came from a meaningful place, its something I've been working on for few years now, whilst fighting few battles. But anyways things are good right now. I gotta get back or rather start doing some few errands now. Its good to log back in here, makes me realize the mental spectrum I've experienced.
Nutty, out. 5/21/2016
Three main missed opportunities. Tres. ???. Let me explain.
In life there are decisions that will change your life. It could change your life into a totally different direction, or it can simply let you continue your current path( allowing you to continue is still changing your life!). For this specific entry, I'm going to share 3 missed regrets, or rather three missed life changing relationship.
During our years, we go through various range of emotions. She happened to stumble onto my life during my lower of times. We first meet on some venting app, she was venting about something, and so I commented, and from there our world merged and we noticed each other existence. We started texting a lot, just joking around as friends( although I was at a low time, with her I was able to just relax and enjoy). We got a long great on phone, texting and talking. We would talk for hours and I would appreciate and enjoy every second of it. The contents of our talk ranged from jokes, to really serious events. It was great. No it was better than great, it was good. But all the talk was digital, we've never meet even though we lived drivable distance from each other. Why is that you wonder? Well it was because of doubts on my side. I have a tendency to overthink and criticize myself. I've always been hard on myself, and I never thought I was good enough for anyone( obvious self esteem issues at that time, I know). As a result, we never really meet, even though she always asked to. Time passed between us, we kept in contact sparingly, but her being gorgeous, she obviously found someone, and thus I went to the backburner. Our relationship was sporadic but it never grew into anything solid. If I had the guts to see her and hangout with her on a regular basis, I'm sure she would've changed my life tremendously, as I would have on hers. But alas, I did nothing and thus continued the pathway I was taking at the time.
As time went on, I kept with my business, then suddenly some gorgeous girl liked few of my photos consecutively, to which I of course clicked her profile to see who she was. She looked vaguely familiar but I wasn't sure, so I FB messaged her. "How nice of you to like my photos, haha". Thereafter, we started chatting, albeit awkwardly as I am the worst at chatting with girls. Once again, the digital relationship began. We started texting and talking for hours, days, months. She really was everything I wanted in a significant other. Gorgeous, smart, funny, good head on her shoulders, family oriented, nepali, and so much more. Sigh, to this day I feel the most regret with not pursuing seeing her in person. It hurts man, but I can't blame anyone except myself. We went through a lot really together on the phone. She helped me get through some times, as I helped her as well. She made me happy, as I made her. And once again, as she started to push to hangout and see each other, my excuses came and it just never happened. You know looking back at this, I really want to say I'm sorry to her so so much( to others in this article as well ). I dragged them into my life, leading them on, using them for emotional support through digital communication. I was young and emotionally immature and had no one to really talk to, so I tried dealing with the situation how any introverted, low self esteem kid would, not well. Fast forward some time, she moved to nepal, got arranged marriage to make her family happy, and now she has a wonderful family. I hope the best for her, she's been through a lot and I hope she's really happy with her life, and from recent events it definitely seems like she's in a really happy place, with her husband, kid and her family. Now onto the next life regret.
I just want to say I'm deeply sorry A******a, hurting was never my intentions, and if I did, I hope one day I can be forgiven. Anyways, as what seems like a reoccurring theme, it started with a facebook message. It started with simple fun and light chat, quickly turned into a deep conversation. Man it was great. We shared so much so quickly, and once again, I connected with someone on a deep level which I hadn't gotten from my family or friends( it was different type of connection). We texted, talked on phone for hours, shared experiences, stories, worries, and basically everything. She's still the only one that I know, that knows about this blog, although this probably hadn't been read in a while. Anyways, the situation was the same, I'll spare you the details, it was a digital connection, for which I never pursued because of the issues I had with myself at the time. I just want to say, I appreciated every second and moment of the interactions I've had with her. It will forever be in my memories, and wish I can tell her or at least explain to her that it wasn't her, but me, as I was going through some ish. Fast forward, the outcome was the same as in the last stories. I never pursed to meet. I continued my path and didn't jump onto a different that was introduced to me. My life changed, by not changing.
You know, sometimes I think back onto these events and feel sad about the missed opportunities and feel regret. To that, I cannot help. It is what it is man. But I just want to note that outside of the regrets, Ive had such a wonderful emotional experience with each individual. If it wasn't for them I would have never gotten to experience all the different and wonderful emotions that we as humans can feel. I hope they enjoyed and valued the experience as well, well at least the good parts. Anyways, this has been a little long. I've been going through another set of obstacles, but that's for another post.
"You know I always wanted to work for you guys. This is absolutely a great opportunity for me, and I verbally accept the offer!" ....
Let's rewind slightly before the above acceptance statement I had with my current company. It was wednesday, I was at my break during my job, sitting with my coworker K, chit chatting our random nonsense, when our coworker M comes over. Delighted in my mind, as we don't get chance to vibe too often, I gesture him to join as I ask him what's been up man, take a seat. He then sits down then drops the bomb. Guys, my manger told me they're letting me go tomorrow officially, and told me to warn you guys as well to update your resume. I was in shock! You see, they recently 'restructured' which basically translated to firing bunch of people. They had released most of the engineers and other staff for financial reasons. But I thought that movement was over. Apparently not. So the day came, and all of the senior engineers were let-go (including me). Only 1 was left, who was a engineer there from the start. It was explained to me that it was a financial decision, as they were not able to close out the needed sales and had to go massive restructuring.
You know I really wasn't worried. Regardless of me living in Manhattan, with a rent high enough for people to look at me like I'm crazy, I was confident that I'd find another job. So I thanked them for everything and parted ways on my last Thursday there.
At first it was great! I felt a calm sense of life. I knew I didn't have to work( as I do sometimes during weekend). I slept in late. Took my time to freshen up. Didn't feel any tension or anxiety. Thereafter, I walked down the streets of Times square, admiring its beauty, the people rushing down the streets, the cars honking, and people yelling at the tourist. It was great. I then found a seating for some breakfast and enjoyed my afternoon. That routine repeated for a week. It was great.
After a week, I started to get back on my grind, looking for another job, asking my networks and soon enough I had couple of interview lined up. I'll save you the details here, but the interview grind was ongoing process for 2-3 months( with a month in break for my brothers wedding). Within that time, I not only learned so much about interviewing, but also felt how truly emotionally draining it is. Seriously! Interviewing sucks! Not only do you have to impress them technically, but also impress them socially as well. For the jobs I were applying for, I had to not only have the brains of Bill Gates, but also the charisma of Barack Obama. Okay that might be a slight over exaggeration but not as much as you think!
Sometimes I got rejected for although being very technical, not having high energy. 0_o? Wut? Are they looking for a engineer or are they looking for a friend. Seriously. So after one rejections after another, at times for weird questionable reasons, I slowly started learning how to play the interview game.
During interviews, I eventually became the most charming person in the room for those 2-5 hours of intense interviews while still solving and being technical. Man I think I went through more than 30 interview session, ranging from intro calls, phone screens, homework application, to full onsite interviews which could've lasted up to 5 hours depending on the company. That was the most mentally draining point of my life. And throughout all those interview session, I also had to keep my game sharp, practicing solving interview problems and refreshing concepts day in day out. I was so emotionally drained and depressed. It was one of the toughest months in my life. The emotional drainage was visible in my face. I had random guy at gym ask me if I was okay. Tough times.
I made sure to isolate myself, not to show this side to my friends and especially not to my family members. They had no idea, and I definitely didn't want them to know. So I kept on pushing through. Eventually I settled for a job A, which I wasn't happy with but kept searching until I fount one that meet my standards.
During job A, i got email confirmation about phone interview with a high profile company. Honestly, I didn't have much expectations, at this point my emotions were drained, my willpower was none, and my confidence was shot. But I had todo what I had todo.
So few minutes before the call, I clicked the switch and booted up my charm.exe, that boosted my charming stats up for hour. During that hour, I did so well in the phone interview, that he was very impressed. My technical answer, the speed of completion, and even my answers to softball questions exceeded his expectations( judging from his reactions). At the end, I thanked him for his time, and mentioned that I'm looking forward to hearing about next steps.
Few days later, I got confirmed a onsite date. I felt a spike of joy, but knew that meant absolutely nothing, as the onsite interviews are way different than phone screens and anything could happen.
Fast forward, the day of. I went to the interview site, but it was the wrong location! Great. Just. Freaking. Great. So with that, the interviewer were contacted of my situation and I got the interview about 30 minutes late. As soon as I get there, I flipped the switch.
I took control of the interview socially, and controlled the conversation initially. I joked around. Solve the given problems fairly easily and quickly while being so charming that I couldn't believe this was me! It almost felt wrong. That 4 hours went good, but towards the end when I meet with their technical lead managers, it was tough! They attacked me with questions after questions, some I knew, others I did not. It was almost like an interrogation. And as a result, at the end of the interview, I didn't feel comfortable with the result.
So that day, although I gave my best efforts, emotionally and mentally I felt defeated once again. So I prepared for the worst. Went home, isolated myself and just let the night pass.
About a week later. As I left my work for the day, I had another late evening onsite interview I had to attend. On the walk there, I got a call from my recruiter. "Hey D, its T from RecurtingCompanyName, how's it going!?" I replied saying, hey T, "I'm good, what's up?" as my heart started to race since I knew he was calling me to update on the recent interview results. He replies, "Man, so the high profile company got back to me, and they want to hire you!". My heart stopped! I was confused and replied, "wait they want to hire me?" He said "Yes, and its surprising because they've turned down so many people. They are really tough to get into". Man, at this moment, you have no idea how ecstatic I was. So we talked about the details and finished the conversation and I proceeded walking towards the onsite interview with a light head.
Few days after, I got the official call from their HR. I snuck out of work and accepted the call. She chats for a bit explaining the offer package details, asks If I'm interested. I replied, "You know I always wanted to work for you guys. This is absolutely a great opportunity for me, and I verbally accept the offer!". From that all that was left was working out the details( which was still nerve wrecking, buts its okay).
That was about 6 weeks ago. I started my job couple weeks ago, and am trying to make my mark at this company. It was such a long journey, filled with roller coaster of emotion which I had to endure without burdening anyone else. I would hate for anyone to go through the things I had to go through for those 3 months, but its part of my life, and that experience has definitely opened up my eyes to the interview process and the intense troubles associated with it, especially for Software Engineers.
Now I just have to prove myself at my current company then go on from there. Anyways, this was a little bit long post so I'm going to end it here.
No not only intimate ones, but all! You know I realized how much I adore relationships I have with people. My NY friends, my coworkers, my old friends, and my family. Each one of them are awesome in their own way. They each have their own perspective in life which is derived from their own experience. They each have their own personalities, hobbies, interest, and so on. All that makes them so awesome. And I feel very grateful to be apart of their lives.
Just today, after my work training was completed, I went to my visit my coworkers whom I haven't seen in a week or so. We just chatted about few things, made jokes, etc. I realized how cool they are! I'm grateful to be working with such cool and smart people.
Last weekend, I meet with my buddies to enjoy hookah, and it was great. We're just comfortable with each other, making jokes, laughing at random crap, enjoying the moment, having meaningful conversations.
Also few days ago, when I went to the gym, I made a comment to the receptionist about the album they had on show( showing famous people lifting weights there), and turns out, my gym was a famous gym! Then we went on to vibe about gym stuff, and turns out he's been in the business for 15 years, very knowledgable, very passionate. He was such a cool person.
Then today! I seen my old aged buddie at the gym! You see, he trains with swords and knives and nunchucks at the gym! I first seen him training with swords at my gym about a year ago. I was curious and also wanted to make friends with him incase he goes crazy, so that day, I asked him what's he training for. Thereafter, we just got to talking and I made new friend that day. And today I seen him again! He seems to only train at that gym during the winter. Such a wise gentleman.
Each of the person in the above anecdote are vastly different, each with their own lives, their own perspective, their own thought. And they're all pretty awesome really. I feel appreciative to be able to connect and bond with them. I now realize how important relationships is in ones life. Its so easy to get lost in your thoughts, struggles, and your busy life, that you forget to enjoy the vast others you share this life with.
Idk man, things are pretty cool right now. I feel happy. Job is good. Friends are good. Of course there's always room for improvement( see my jump shot ://, its been a while okay ) , and I know emotions are fleeting, but my mind feels light, and theres no reason it should be this way 80% of the time.
Oh and I'm also working on a app! Hopefully, it'll help me retire early ha. Anyways, work hard people! And stay humble!
Nutty - 12/11/2017